Transcending the self for the Self

The following quotes are so exciting! I came across the technique of "witnessing" many months ago through the work of Bill Harris, of Holosync and Centerpointe. The following exercise and quotes, however, are from Ken Wilber, in his book, No Boundary. Basically, there is the idea that our true "Self" (as opposed to "self" with a small letter 's'), is who we really are, our eternal soul, which ultimately is part of, or one with, God (look up the concept of panentheism, as opposed to pantheism). The small-letter "self" is our ego-identified self, the self we've created and grown attached to. We get attached to that "self" and think that it's the only reality. Our ego-self masks who we really are. If you can get in touch with your authentic, eternal Self, you will ultimately see that there is nothing to fear and that there is no loss, no death, and no separation. Our ego-self is an illusion, masking our oneness with God and with every one and every thing.

Through the witnessing technique, you take the perspective of your Transcendent "Self", observing your small-letter "self".

The "Witnessing" Technique for Experiencing your Transcendent Self:

I have a body, but I am not my body. I can see and feel my body, and what can be seen and felt is not the true Seer. My body may be tired or excited, sick or healthy, heavy or light, but that has nothing to do with my inward I. I have a body, but I am not my body.

I have desires, but I am not my desires. I can know my desires, and what can be known is not the true Knower. Desires come and go, floating through my awareness, but they do not affect my inward I. I have desires but I am not desires.

I have emotions, but I am not my emotions. I can feel and sense my emotions, and what can be felt and sensed is not the true Feeler. Emotions pass through me, but they do not affect my inward I. I have emotions but I am not emotions.

I have thoughts, but I am not my thoughts. I can know and intuit my thoughts, and what can be known is not the true Knower. Thoughts come to me and thoughts leave me, but they do not affect my inward I. I have thoughts but I am not my thoughts.

[End of Exercise; additional Wilber quotes follow]

Thus, any emotion, sensation, thought, memory, or experience that disturbs you is simply one with which you have exclusively identified yourself, and the ultimate resolution of the disturbance is simply to disidentify with it. You cleanly let all of them drop away by realizing that they are not you -- since you can see them, they cannot be the true Seer and Subject. Since they are not your real self, there is no reason whatsoever for you to identify with them, hold on to them, or allow your self to be bound by them.

Thus, your personal mind-and-body may be in pain, or humiliation, or fear, but as long as you abide as the witness of these affairs, as if from on high, they no longer threaten you, and thus you are no longer moved to manipulate them, wrestle with them, or subdue them.

To witness these states is to transcend them.

Thus, we can understand why Patanjali, the codifier of yoga in India, said that ignorance is the identification of the Seer with the instruments of seeing.

If you are at all successful in developing this type of detached witnessing (it does take time), you will be able to look upon the events occurring in your mind-and-body with the very same impartiality that you would look upon clouds floating through the sky, water rushing in a stream, rain cascading on a roof, or any other objects in your field of awareness. In other words, your relationship to your mind-and-body becomes the same as your relationship to all other objects.

Transcendence in and through Pain

A couple of weeks ago I had a pain relapse from my herniated disc. It returned to the debilitating state as it was when it all started in October 2007, and for a few days I could barely move or go to work. So on Thursday, January 10th, I had a minor medical procedure called "facet blocks" to cauterize some nerves along five sets of vertebrae that were channeling pain signals to my brain from the "slipped" disc. Mercifully, that procedure was largely successful, as the worst of the sharpest, stabbing pain was greatly reduced or eliminated. I don't feel 100% perfect now, but at least the situation can be endured and I can go to work and do some regular activities.

Not a day has gone by since October when I have not thought about pain, how to respond to it, how to fix it, and how to make sense of it. I have certainly had my days of frustration and anger and sadness. More and more I am getting the impression that Western medicine really doesn't have all the answers, or a quick fix (other than pills), and many of my experiences with doctors have been quite negative. Not only do treatment recommendations differ from one doctor to the next, but most doctors I have met (so far) were complete jerks (to put it mildly!), lacking even an ounce of compassion or humanity. Over and over again, I have also run into people who have dealt with back pain through surgeries, medication, and all the other usual Western methods, and it seems like one horror story after another. Many times the treatment only serves to make the condition and pain worse, or leaving the patient a veritable drug addict. I am currently really at a fork in the road when it comes to knowing where to go from here. My faith in Western medicine has never been lower (not that I'm not thankful for the facet block procedure, which was really minor and the least invasive action I could take, but it seems like my options from now on could lead to a lifelong quagmire of surgeries or experimental guesswork). Ultimately I think it rests on me to keep a positive attitude and cultivate a larger, spiritual meaning to make sense of this experience and to live with it. There must be a way to endure this positively and constructively. I do believe in the power of the mind to heal the body. I do believe things happen for a reason and that there is much for me to learn from this pain.

From a spiritual standpoint, I have found some new and beautiful ways for understanding pain. The following is a quote by Hazrat Inayay Khan, a Sufi mystic and author, from his book The Unity of Religious Ideals:

In reality God is within you, and as He is within you, you are the instrument of God and through you God experiences the external world and you are the best instrument of conveying yourself to God.

I also found a similar perspective from reading Willigis Jager: the idea that not only is God within us, but He is living through us and experiencing our lives in and through us. God is living through this pain with me; I am not alone in enduring it. It is like the idea of Christ's cross: that we each have a cross to bear in this world, but that it is imbued with even more significance if we can see it through Christ's sufferings. The experience of Christ is a mirror image of our own. If we can follow in His footsteps, pain can really become something that helps us evolve to a higher state of being and consciousness.

The Buddhist concept of karma also adds another dimension of meaning, and I really think it is not much different than the Christian idea of surrendering to divine providence. The following is an amazing quote from Ken Wilber:

I’ve dealt extensively elsewhere with the concept of karma and illness—in Grace and Grit, for example, and more recently in Excerpt A of volume 2 of the Kosmos Trilogy. But it remains one of the most confused areas of understanding imaginable. I’m not going to get into it at any length here, but just let me make a few very brief points. Many people hear of situations like this, or perhaps suffer similar ones themselves, and imagine it must somehow be retribution for some horrendous crime in one’s past. But keep in mind that karma doesn’t mean that what happened earlier in this life is finally catching up with you; the orthodox doctrine of karma actually means something that happened to you in a previous life. According to the doctrine of karma, in this life you are reading a book that you wrote in a previous life. Many people draw the erroneous conclusion that because, e.g., they used to yell at their spouses, they now have throat cancer—but that’s just not the way it works.

As a matter of fact, from at least one angle, the “bad things” that are happening to you now actually indicate a good fruition—it means your system is finally strong enough to digest the past karmic causes that led to your present rebirth. So if you were reborn—that is, if you are alive in a body right now—then you have already horrifically sinned, and unless you work it off in this lifetime, guess what? You’re coming back. Illness itself does not cause more karma; your attitude towards illness, however, does. Therefore, if you are undergoing some extremely difficult circumstances right now, and you can meet those difficulties with equanimity, wisdom, and virtue, then you are doubly lucky—the causes that led to your being reborn now are starting to surface and burn off, and you’re not generating any new karma while you burn them (as long as you meet them with equanimity and awareness).

I only mention this because all too often, people undergoing difficult circumstances of one variety or another add a type of New Age guilt or blame to an already difficult enough circumstance, and truly, that’s not only inappropriate, it’s inaccurate. If you would like to pursue some of these concepts in this more integral fashion, please check out Excerpt A. In the meantime, if you’re undergoing some sort of truly difficult or even horrific circumstances, please don’t kick yourself when you’re down. That, indeed, would create bad karma. The good news is that you are finally ready and able to burn off the karma that led to this rebirth, and this is good news indeed—if you meet it with love and openness and a smile.

From this perspective, the endurance of pain and suffering, and one's positive response to it, can become a very noble action, setting things right in the world, making corrections for past wrongs, turning a negative into a positive. This also seems to be the same message one gets from reading the lives of saints, Catholic or otherwise. Pain and suffering are facts of life and ultimately unavoidable. It's how we respond to it and make constructive use of it that make all the difference. We could either see ourselves as helpless victims of random chance, bad luck, or fate, or we could see it as a great opportunity given to us by God for a reason.

I will have much more to say on all of this in later posts. I am currently reading an analysis of Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence.

Jager on Religion, Spirituality & Esotericism

The following quotes are from Benedictine monk and Zen master, Willigis Jager, from his book, Search for the Meaning of Life.

On spirituality versus religion:

I make a distinction between spirituality and religion. Spirituality teaches a path into experience and deals with what is experienced. Religion, by contrast, is instruction that has evolved into dogmatic theology. These dogmas do, in fact, derive from experience, but they have been absolutized, and only a few believers understand them in an experiential fashion. In esotericism there is instruction but no dogma. "Dogma" here relates to traveling a path to come to one's own experience.

These thoughts might give rise to the misunderstanding that esotericism could subsist all by itself. Not so. Religion needs the two pillars of esotericism and exotericism, otherwise it can easily fail to reach its goal.

A definition of "esotericism":

Ultimately esotericism is concerned with a new experiencing and grasping of reality. The true esoteric paths don't lead out of this world, but into the heart of the moment, into life. The point is to feel not contempt for the world, but an entirely new form of love for it. And with that we come to the essence of mysticism in both the East and the West: religion is life, and life is religion. When I experience the fact that my rising in the morning and putting on my slippers is a profoundly religious act, then I have recognized what religion is. But this is simply not possible without deep experience. In the Eucharist we solemnly proclaim that this is not just bread (in other words, not just form) but the essence of divinity appearing in this form. In the Eucharist we solemnly proclaim that nothing exists that is not God, which means that we actually ought to experience even our breakfast as one more way the Divine expresses itself. It is a sacred action to live one's life here and now. In the final analysis, the sacrament of the moment is nothing else but "living in the will of God." That is the way to happiness.

Profound Holosync Experience

Over the last couple of weeks I have been pretty successful at returning to a regular daily meditation with my Holosync meditation CDs. I originally started Holosync around May 2006 and managed to listen almost daily for six months. Then with a change of job, and an addition of a commute, my listening became sporadic; maybe only a handful of sessions per month. I always longed for a way to get back into my Holosync and see the same sorts of growth and peak experiences that I had had in those first six months. I could really feel and see positive changes from Holosync, which I believe have lasted up to the present time. Those first six months were really amazing, and brought so much positive change, mental clarity, and emotional equilibrium.

So this morning's session was very nice. I've been listening to Awakening Level 1, Disc 4, for the past two weeks, half an hour per day, as recommended by the instructions. Today's session was so beautiful that I continued on for the full hour. During the end of the first half hour I experienced the sensation that my body just disappeared. It was like my mind was falling down into itself and my body just melted away and became a subtle, pulsing wave sensation. It was really incredibly beautiful and blissful; a feeling of just pure being-ness or wave-like energy. Perhaps it was a taste of the void or nothingness. It lasted for several minutes, into the second half hour. A few times I would catch myself observing myself, thinking, "Hey, this is cool! Let's keep this sensation going!"

I also observed, as usual, my thoughts wandering all over the place (from remembering certain chores I need to take care of today, to random thoughts, worries, and memories). Every time I would catch myself wandering, I would bring my focus back to a mantra, usually just the beginning phrase of the Rosary, "Hail Mary, Full of Grace". I've found that when I get focused on repeating a mantra while listening to Holosync that it can increase or maintain the blissed out feeling that Holosync creates. I think there is real potential for combining Holosync with other mental exercises for intensified growth.

Then as the hour of Holosync was gently fading away, I could hear the Sunday morning church bells softly pealing outside my window (I live near some churches). It was so beautiful and amazing! Today's Holosync meditation was truly exquisite.

10 Questions Video

My brother sent me the following link and asked me what I thought. Here's the YouTube video:

10 questions that every intelligent Christian must answer

This was my response:

Thanks for the video! I used to ask exactly the same sorts of questions about 6 or 7 years ago, and would get very angry with Christianity, until I learned that there are higher states of consciousness, awareness, perception, and interpretation. There are many ways to see and comprehend our existence and many ways to explain why life exists. This topic (i.e. the credibility of faith, religion, believing in God, etc.) is HUGE and would be very interesting to discuss in person over some delicious wine or other beverages. :-)

Before I point out a few things, I would just like to say that I do not have any agenda. I am not interested in proving that I am right and you are wrong, or that everybody should convert to Catholicism. I am still and always have been very open-minded and tolerant. I used to call myself an atheist. I dabbled in Buddhism and Taoism. I see value in all spiritual paths and even the path of no path. I'm just going to try and explain a little bit where I'm at spiritually these days, and how I would respond to such questions as are in the video.

Again, the topic is so huge that I really cannot convey, in an e-mail, all of the ways of looking at religion, or Christianity in particular. But here are a few points to think about:

The video is clearly coming from a very rationalistic, scientific point of view. There is nothing wrong with that, but that's not the only way of comprehending reality. We in the Western world, since the time of the philosopher Descartes (who came up with the concept of "I think, therefore I am" which put a very powerful mental dividing line between body and soul, matter and spirit), have stopped seeing the world from a unified spiritual or transcendent perspective. Instead, we are all taught to dissect and explain everything with a rational, scientific mindset. People in our society are concerned with proving that something is true or false. This also, in turn, leads people to read the Bible literally (and actually that was the kind of response that created Christian fundamentalism: some Christians got scared of science but ironically ended up applying the scientific ("prove it to me") mindset onto the Bible itself to prove, in the terms of science, that the Bible is true; the same can be said in radical Islam - fundamentalism is a radical rejection of scientific materialism and modernity).

The mistake in all of this is that you cannot take the Bible, God, faith, spirituality, etc., literally. Of course you cannot prove there are such things as miracles or that God exists. Of course God is not going to regrow an amputee's arm or give you a raise rather than feed the starving children. God is not some fairytale creature who magically dispenses healing or rains down punishment (the "angry Father" type of God of the Old Testament is a primitive projection, showing the stage of development of the people who wrote it at the time). That is taking the miracle stories literally, which misses the point of religion and leads people to ask the wrong kinds of questions.

Certainly it is fine to read the Bible on the literal level or as poetry or as a piece of literature; but there are many more levels than that (which, by the way, Freemasonry, leads you to experience). Virtually all spiritual texts, as far as I know, contain an inner (esoteric) truth and an outer (exoteric) truth. Remember watching Joseph Campbell? The same is true in mythology (and yes, Christianity is a mythology, too; mythology contains truth, especially inner truth). The outer truth is what everybody is getting hung up on. The outer truth is to take the words of the Bible literally, or to apply blanket black-and-white thinking like "My God is the right one and yours is an idol" or "Gays are going to Hell", etc. People love to argue at this level, and many think that that is the only level there is in religion. The outer level is also where most of the arguing about morality and ethics takes place.

But it is the inner truth that people should really be concerned with. If you read the Bible in the mindset of that inner esoteric truth you will find that concepts like "miracles" are referring to an interior state of consciousness. Take any story in the Bible, whether it is the birth of Christ, Noah's ark, the tower of Babel, whatever it is - these things are not necessarily literally true (they may or may not be - that's not the point and it's actually not really that important!!), the key is that they point to an INNER truth. You apply these stories inwardly, to your spirit, heart, or mind. It is about your inner development as a human being, realizing your divine nature and oneness with all that is. It is NOT about proving whether there really was a Noah or not, or even a real Jesus. The purpose of religion is to guide you, your mind, heart and spirit, into a greater awareness of the divine nature in you and in all of creation. It is to learn, experience, and apply a transcendent form of love that includes all beings. This is a transcendent awareness or consciousness. This is what God is really all about - that experience of oneness, that is true reality.

This type of consciousness is beyond rational understanding or proof by scientific means. Of course science is going to poo-poo and say this is all garbage. Science is good for explaining things within the realm of science (i.e. the material world, bodies, planets, things, physical existence). But it is a misapplication of science to try and use it to explain spirituality or the transcendent mindset of God consciousness. The West has gotten into trouble by deciding that the scientific mindset is the ONLY valid mindset, the ONLY way to interpret reality, and that it can be used to explain EVERYTHING. That is not true. Science is very limited and cannot explain everything. If we could break out of that viewpoint and see that there are higher stages of being, higher states of consciousness, awareness, perception, and interpretation, we would stop fighting over the lowest levels of consciousness (literal fundamentalism), and start to realize there are larger realities we have been missing. Science has validity in the realm in which it is concerned - science, but we shouldn't use it as our sole foundation for explaining everything.

What are your views?

Myths of Modern Times

The following is a fun quote from Myth and Reality by Mircea Eliade, regarding the power of myth in our modern times:

Mythical behavior can be recognized in the obsession with "success" that is so characteristic of modern society and that expresses an obscure wish to transcend the limits of the human condition; in the exodus to Suburbia, in which we can detect the nostalgia for "primordial perfection"; in the paraphernalia and emotional intensity that characterize what has been called the "cult of the sacred automobile." As Andrew Greeley remarks, "one need merely visit the annual automobile show to realize that it is a highly ritualized religious performance. The colors, the lights, the music, the awe of the worshippers, the presence of the temple priestesses (fashion models), the pomp and splendor, the lavish waste of money, the thronging crowds - all these would represent in any other culture a clearly liturgical service... The cult of the sacred car has its adepts and initiati. No gnostic more eagerly awaited a revelation from an oracle than does an automobile worshipper await the first rumors about the new models. It is at this time of the annual seasonal cycle that the high priests of the cult - the auto dealers - take on a new importance as an anxious public eagerly expects the coming of a new form of salvation."

Interesting to contemplate! Can you think of any other myths generated by our society and consumerist culture? I think the key to personal evolution, intellectual development, and spiritual growth, requires that we stop and take a deeper look at the images and messages being fed to us. Especially in the United States, we are bombarded, practically from birth, with messages from the mass media, the government, the educational system, and corporate interests, to look, behave, conform, and consume in certain ways. If an individual doesn't stop to question the validity of such messages it would be very easy to succumb to them and develop a false sense of self, not to mention a mindless sheep mentality. We must each learn to think for ourselves, to ask critical questions, and develop our own unique identity, separate from the demands others. Life is too short to squander it by behaving as a puppet or a slave of others. We must seize our personal destinies and make the most of every second to develop ourselves to our fullest potential, to help each other, the planet, and all living things. Tune out the noise and false reality. Find your true inner self.

Your body is your thoughts

Lately I have been pondering the connection between health and the mind. I have always believed, to some extent, that the human mind is very powerful and that thoughts or beliefs can affect one's health. I have seen examples with my own eyes of individuals with positive attitudes being able to overcome terrible traumas or diseases, beating the odds. And vice versa, I have seen individuals with negative attitudes die sooner than one would have expected, or suffer much more in both body and mind. The hard part for me is wondering how far one can consider the power of the mind. Could it be true that really ALL physical and mental illnesses are caused by one's thoughts? I offer a few quotations:

According to the Course [A Course in Miracles], the mind is so powerful that it is the cause of everything it feels. Our feelings are produced by our internal beliefs, not by external circumstances. Now imagine that our primary belief about ourselves is guilt, which says, "I deserve to suffer; I deserve to be unhappy." If we really do believe that (however buried that belief may be), and if our beliefs really do produce our emotional states, then what else could that belief do but produce a condition of misery? In the Course's view, all suffering is self-imposed punishment for presumed sin.

Robert Perry, Path of Light

According to the Course, sin and guilt are illusions created by our egos to reinforce our belief in separateness from God. The feeling of guilt is already deeply ingrained into our minds when we come into this world. To overcome sin and guilt we must practice forgiveness and come to the realization that our separate identities and the universe itself are illusory. This realization, a "change in perception," is what is referred to as the "miracle" in the book's title.

A few quotes from Chapter 10, "The Idols of Sickness," in A Course in Miracles:

To believe that a Son of God can be sick is to believe that part of God can suffer. Love cannot suffer, because it cannot attack.

When a brother is sick it is because he is not asking for peace, and therefore does not know he has it. The acceptance of peace is the denial of illusion, and sickness is an illusion.

The Sonship [the Course's term to describe the oneness of everything. Everything that we perceive in the universe, including every person, animal, thing, etc., is referred to as a "Son of God"] cannot be perceived as partly sick, because to perceive it that way is not to perceive it at all. If the Sonship is one, it is one in all respects. Oneness cannot be divided. If you perceive other gods ["other gods" refers to "idols" - believing that you are sick is the equivalent of worshiping an idol, something false] your mind is split, because it is the sign that you have removed part of your mind from God's Will. This means it is out of control. To be out of control is to be out of reason, and then the mind does become unreasonable. By defining the mind wrongly, you perceive it as functioning wrongly.

You are not sick and you cannot die. But you can confuse yourself with things that do. Remember, though, that to do this is blasphemy, for it means that you are looking without love on God and His creation, from which He cannot be separated. Only the eternal can be loved, for love does not die. What is of God is His forever, and you are of God. Would He allow Himself to suffer?

So what does this all mean? I can understand this logically, but the hard part is actually living this reality at the deepest level of one's being. It is easy to say, "Yeah, everything is one and there is no separation and no separate self apart from God." But how do we get to the point where one really, really believes it and lives it?

Do we really realize and comprehend how powerful our thoughts really are? And not just our conscious thoughts, but the buried thoughts, fears, and memories in the unconscious? I think it is the unconscious, our "shadow" self, where we really need to explore and find the true source of all our sufferings. I have been trying to look at my own life experiences, especially with my health problems of this year, to see if there are some deeper issues hiding in my unconscious that might be causing my physical ailments. I don't have a clear answer (since I don't yet know how to dig into my unconscious and resolve my issues - yet) but I do have some theories (which I may share in a future post).

The hardest part, however, is looking at one's self and saying, "I made myself sick with my own thoughts!" On the surface, this would seem to only pile on more guilt and blame. After all, if I am having health problems, I must have been thinking some bad thoughts to cause them! I am responsible. Yet, I think we have to realize that the primary source of the illness-inducing thoughts must be in the unconscious. At the conscious level we may not even have any clue what the issues are in the unconscious (thus, obviously, that's why it's called "the unconscious"). The mind has some powerful tricks, like denial, for making us conveniently "forget" traumas that are too much for our conscious mind to handle. If you knew what your issues were you would find a way to resolve them (usually). Instead, the issues can remain buried for years, cropping up in insidious ways, in the form of health problems, depression, projection of anger onto others, etc. You are fighting inwardly against yourself, but against a force that has no face and is basically invisible.

So this is where I'm at: where do I go from here? If I suspect I have unresolved issues causing my health problems, how do I deal with them? I have plumbed the depths of my personal history, memories, and waking consciousness through journal writing, reflection, and meditation (and continue to do so, as there is no end). But how does one tap into one's unconscious? And how can it be done carefully and cautiously so as not to cause further damage? I will keep exploring. I recently ordered Ken Wilber's Integral Life Practice kit, which does include work on the shadow. I'm hoping that could be a start. I will blog about my experiences with the kit in the future.

Finally, I would like to add a few more quotes about the mind-health connection. I read an amazing article this week. You can read it online here. Try, if you can, to suspend your judgment before reading it. Of course, on the rational-mind level, there is a lot that can be hard to swallow. Yet, my intuition is telling me that there is some real truth being expressed. I am coming to the conclusion, more and more in my life, as I get older, that one has to keep questioning everything. Don't just believe what the masses tell you, or do what people have been doing for years merely because "tradition" says you should. Question everything and come to your own conclusions.

A few quotes from Peter Ragnar:

Because I feel that we have ultimate control to the degree that we're conscious. If we are conscious enough, we can make anything happen in our body. We can preserve this body or we can kill this body.

It's very simple to see how people kill their bodies with their thoughts—it's a product of their unconsciousness of causes and effects. If we're conscious of our thoughts—I mean luminously conscious of our thoughts—those thoughts then impregnate the cellular structure of our body in a way that is very, very difficult to explain. When you have an abundance of life force inside you, it pours out of your eyes. It comes out of the palms of your hands as heat, as healing heat. It radiates as if you swallowed the sun, and you are different. Now, with that type of dynamic and powerful energy inside of you, how can you die?

I'm probably out there by myself on this one, but I feel that we do have ultimate control of our body, because our body is a thought. It's filled with frozen memories—memories that are formed by our experiences that we have already reached conclusions about, and we've emotionalized those conclusions and frozen them into our flesh. Therefore, only when we thaw it out and release, and stop holding on for dear life, can we have dear life.

All flesh is grass

From today's reading of the day, Isaiah 40:

A voice commands, ‘Cry!’
and I answered, ‘What shall I cry?’”
– ‘All flesh is grass
and its beauty like the wild flower’s.
The grass withers, the flower fades
when the breath of the Lord blows on them.
(The grass is without doubt the people.)
The grass withers, the flower fades,
but the word of our God remains for ever.’

It is good to keep the eternal in mind. It is so easy to get attached to our physical, material world and especially to our bodies. We think our little ego identity is permanent, fixed, and will go on forever. When we're young and full of vitality we think our body must be indestructible. How quickly pain or suffering can remind us otherwise.

Observing My Frustrations

Today is just one of those days when I wake up and it seems like nothing is going right and my life is running on an endless treadmill to satisfy the needs of others before myself. I've noticed that these feelings crop up especially after several days of sleep deprivation, combined with running around almost every evening after I get home from work. Plus work lately has been much busier than normal, adding to my exhaustion. The accumulation of exhaustion and never having a full hour or two for quiet contemplation just gets my ego fired up to scream, "This isn't fair! What about me?! You have neglected my needs!" I observe my thoughts and feelings going by. They seem pretty extreme and irrational. They are like a little child who didn't get the toy she wanted and bangs her fists on the wall in a temper tantrum. Sometimes you just realize that you don't always feel light and happy every day. Our psyches also include the shadow. And rather than repressing or denying one's feelings, sometimes it is necessary to feel our anger or frustration to the fullest; to let off the steam so it doesn't accumulate on the inside, leading to health problems or depression (i.e. anger turned against one's self).

This is not the first time I have had such feelings. It happens several times per year, followed by vows of changing my life, making lists of resolutions for self-improvement or changing my habits or schedule. The latest realization for changing my habits includes two new elements:

1. Wake up at 4:00 AM every day and go to sleep soon after I get home from work and eat a light dinner. It seems that I am most productive and alert first thing in the morning, as opposed to when I get home from work. After work I am getting tired and slowing down. I come home from work and face a bunch of chores, like cooking dinner, laundry, cleaning, etc. Only after I've done my chores do I start to think about doing the things I really enjoy (reading books, writing music, etc.), but of course I am really too tired to do everything, and end up neglecting those things I care most about. The chores get almost done (but not always, especially if I am too tired after work and feel 'entitled' to goofing off, wasting yet more time) but my music composition never really starts. My personal dreams and goals get set aside indefinitely until some 'perfect' day off from chores, or other excuses, shows up (which rarely happens).

Thus, the new idea is to wake up at 4:00 AM and get things done before work starts, when my energy level is at its peak. I would set a daily schedule that includes meditation, exercise, and a good breakfast. Chores, like laundry or grocery shopping, would be focused on certain weekday evenings so that I keep the weekend free. It seems like almost all of my weekday evenings, after I get home from work, are squandered. The time is wasted on half-ass attempts or doing nothing useful. I might as well switch my free time to the morning, before work, and start the day off knowing I accomplished some of my goals.

2. Include my goals in my calendar, too, not just my appointments or arrangements with other people. It seems I have somehow allowed my personal goals to fall into third place behind household chores and social obligations. If I really valued my goals and dreams I would at least have them on an equal footing with the other items. I would find a way to make time for my music, writing, and meditation. Life should be in a healthy balance.

This is not to imply that chores and social obligations aren't important either. There should be a way to balance every aspect in my life. The imbalance is leading to too much frustration!

I know I keep saying it over and over, but maybe that's what it takes to get it to sink into my head: I must take responsibility for my life. I must make time for things that are important to me. Change starts with me. I must stop blaming others and external circumstances for my lack of time and feelings of frustration. I create my reality and need to figure out a way to organize my time into a more harmonious flow.

Responding to Difficult People

One of the first things you realize about this world, perhaps even among your very earliest memories, is that not everyone is going to like you. Or vice versa - there are some people who just get on your nerves or rub you the wrong way. There may not even be a logical reason for it; some people have annoying voices or like to argue about everything or just give off a bad vibe.

Hopefully, as you get older and wiser and gain experience and a wider perspective, it is possible to avoid ruffled feelings (most of the time), whether they are your own or others. When you realize that it is possible to control your responses and reactions to others, as well as your feelings, you can reduce a lot of unnecessary suffering.

Yet, what I have discovered after so many years of pursuing self-improvement and trying to put myself in the shoes of others, is that I still find myself getting angry or upset or irritated with other people. It sure is hard to put positive behaviors into practice ALL of the time! I have found that there must be some basic element of human nature that demands to be right at the expense of others. Or, at a minimum, demands to be right and hopes or expects that everyone else agrees.

Examples:
"I am right and you are wrong!"
"I can't believe so-and-so is so stupid and doesn't see from my perspective."
"I can't believe the masses of people voted for so-and-so!"
"I can't stand it how rude/disgusting that person is behaving on the bus!"

And on and on. I'm sure you can think of many more examples in your own life.

Just think of how many times per day or per week you get irritated by somebody. Do you stop to observe your own reaction and your thoughts? Do you take your time to form your words before you say them and catch yourself before you say something unkind or inappropriate? I challenge you to observe yourself and count how many times during a week you get irritated by others. Step back from yourself and observe your own thoughts and reactions. What is it that sets you off?

After reading things like A Course in Miracles I am well aware of the concept that everything and everyone is One with God. That we should forgive our brothers and sisters because ultimately this world of ours is illusory and if we could only see with true vision that the person pissing us off right now is really the one true Christ Himself (because everything and everyone is really Christ) we wouldn't stay so pissed off for long. But! But! How hard it is to put this into practice! How hard it is to really believe and see with true vision! Forgiveness is really the key that unlocks our heart and takes us to the next step, yet are we willing to take that step? Unfortunately, it is all too easy to fall into a perverse enjoyment of our hatred or dislike which in turn leads us to forgetting our compassion; suddenly we feel justified in our anger or hatred, and that, in turn, only leads to further attachment to one's feelings and ego and sense of justification.

On the other hand, there is also the viewpoint that one should not repress one's feelings. There are certainly occasions when it is justified to be angry or upset, especially if some injustice is involved. So I'm certainly not advocating repression of feelings or denial. However, it is usually not constructive to allow one's feelings to be swept away and become obsessed with something. There has to be a sensible middle ground. One should be able to observe one's thoughts and reactions and be able to judge an appropriate response. If you can catch yourself quick enough in the irritation phase and cut it down before it gets out of hand, I think that would be a great victory.

Lately I have turned to Catholic saints and prayers to find a positive response to difficult people. I have found that, at a minimum, if I can catch myself when I start to feel anger or severe judgment against others and respond by mentally reciting the Jesus Prayer or a few Hail Marys that it can help diffuse my negative feelings. Whatever you can do to step back from your feelings and observe where they are going can be highly constructive. Repetitive prayers, mantras, or sacred words can help to take your mind off of problems.

Here are two prayers that I have found especially helpful in response to difficult people. The first one comes from Catholic Prayer Book by Father John A. Hardon, S.J.

Teach me, my Lord, to be kind and gentle in all the events of life; in disappointments, in the thoughtlessness of others, in the insincerity of those I trusted, in the unfaithfulness of those on whom I relied.

Let me put myself aside, to think of the happiness of others, to hide my pains and heartaches, so that I may be the only one to suffer from them.

Teach me to profit by the suffering that comes across my path.

Let me so use it that it may mellow me, not harden or embitter me; that it may make me patient, not irritable; that it may make me broad in my forgiveness, not narrow, proud and overbearing.

May no one be less good for having come within my influence. No one less pure, less true, less kind, less noble for having been a fellow traveler in our journey toward eternal life.

As I go my rounds from one task to another, let me say, from time to time, a word of love to You.

May my life be lived in the supernatural, full of power for good, and strong in its purpose of sanctity. Amen.

The next prayer is by Saint Maria Faustina, one of my favorite saints:

Prayer to be Merciful

Help me Jesus, that what I ask of You (Mercy) I will give to others in word and deed.

Help me, O Lord, that my eyes may be merciful, so that I may never suspect or judge others, but always look for what is beautiful and good in other people. Help me, that my ears may be merciful, so that I may give heed to others needs, and not be indifferent to their pain.

Help me, O Lord, that my tongue may be merciful, so that I should never speak wrongly of others, but have a word of comfort and forgiveness for all.

Help me, O Lord, that my hands may be merciful and filled with good deeds so that I may do only good to others and always try to take upon myself the more difficult tasks.

Help me, O Lord, that my feet may be merciful, so that I may hurry to assist others, overcoming my own fatigue and weariness, contemplating Your love and mercy.

Help me, O Lord, to forgive and forget. This is Your greatest gift to me, and should be mine for Your sake, to all who offend me.

To forgive and forget - So easy to say but hard to do.