Observing My Frustrations

Today is just one of those days when I wake up and it seems like nothing is going right and my life is running on an endless treadmill to satisfy the needs of others before myself. I've noticed that these feelings crop up especially after several days of sleep deprivation, combined with running around almost every evening after I get home from work. Plus work lately has been much busier than normal, adding to my exhaustion. The accumulation of exhaustion and never having a full hour or two for quiet contemplation just gets my ego fired up to scream, "This isn't fair! What about me?! You have neglected my needs!" I observe my thoughts and feelings going by. They seem pretty extreme and irrational. They are like a little child who didn't get the toy she wanted and bangs her fists on the wall in a temper tantrum. Sometimes you just realize that you don't always feel light and happy every day. Our psyches also include the shadow. And rather than repressing or denying one's feelings, sometimes it is necessary to feel our anger or frustration to the fullest; to let off the steam so it doesn't accumulate on the inside, leading to health problems or depression (i.e. anger turned against one's self).

This is not the first time I have had such feelings. It happens several times per year, followed by vows of changing my life, making lists of resolutions for self-improvement or changing my habits or schedule. The latest realization for changing my habits includes two new elements:

1. Wake up at 4:00 AM every day and go to sleep soon after I get home from work and eat a light dinner. It seems that I am most productive and alert first thing in the morning, as opposed to when I get home from work. After work I am getting tired and slowing down. I come home from work and face a bunch of chores, like cooking dinner, laundry, cleaning, etc. Only after I've done my chores do I start to think about doing the things I really enjoy (reading books, writing music, etc.), but of course I am really too tired to do everything, and end up neglecting those things I care most about. The chores get almost done (but not always, especially if I am too tired after work and feel 'entitled' to goofing off, wasting yet more time) but my music composition never really starts. My personal dreams and goals get set aside indefinitely until some 'perfect' day off from chores, or other excuses, shows up (which rarely happens).

Thus, the new idea is to wake up at 4:00 AM and get things done before work starts, when my energy level is at its peak. I would set a daily schedule that includes meditation, exercise, and a good breakfast. Chores, like laundry or grocery shopping, would be focused on certain weekday evenings so that I keep the weekend free. It seems like almost all of my weekday evenings, after I get home from work, are squandered. The time is wasted on half-ass attempts or doing nothing useful. I might as well switch my free time to the morning, before work, and start the day off knowing I accomplished some of my goals.

2. Include my goals in my calendar, too, not just my appointments or arrangements with other people. It seems I have somehow allowed my personal goals to fall into third place behind household chores and social obligations. If I really valued my goals and dreams I would at least have them on an equal footing with the other items. I would find a way to make time for my music, writing, and meditation. Life should be in a healthy balance.

This is not to imply that chores and social obligations aren't important either. There should be a way to balance every aspect in my life. The imbalance is leading to too much frustration!

I know I keep saying it over and over, but maybe that's what it takes to get it to sink into my head: I must take responsibility for my life. I must make time for things that are important to me. Change starts with me. I must stop blaming others and external circumstances for my lack of time and feelings of frustration. I create my reality and need to figure out a way to organize my time into a more harmonious flow.