Responding to Difficult People

One of the first things you realize about this world, perhaps even among your very earliest memories, is that not everyone is going to like you. Or vice versa - there are some people who just get on your nerves or rub you the wrong way. There may not even be a logical reason for it; some people have annoying voices or like to argue about everything or just give off a bad vibe.

Hopefully, as you get older and wiser and gain experience and a wider perspective, it is possible to avoid ruffled feelings (most of the time), whether they are your own or others. When you realize that it is possible to control your responses and reactions to others, as well as your feelings, you can reduce a lot of unnecessary suffering.

Yet, what I have discovered after so many years of pursuing self-improvement and trying to put myself in the shoes of others, is that I still find myself getting angry or upset or irritated with other people. It sure is hard to put positive behaviors into practice ALL of the time! I have found that there must be some basic element of human nature that demands to be right at the expense of others. Or, at a minimum, demands to be right and hopes or expects that everyone else agrees.

Examples:
"I am right and you are wrong!"
"I can't believe so-and-so is so stupid and doesn't see from my perspective."
"I can't believe the masses of people voted for so-and-so!"
"I can't stand it how rude/disgusting that person is behaving on the bus!"

And on and on. I'm sure you can think of many more examples in your own life.

Just think of how many times per day or per week you get irritated by somebody. Do you stop to observe your own reaction and your thoughts? Do you take your time to form your words before you say them and catch yourself before you say something unkind or inappropriate? I challenge you to observe yourself and count how many times during a week you get irritated by others. Step back from yourself and observe your own thoughts and reactions. What is it that sets you off?

After reading things like A Course in Miracles I am well aware of the concept that everything and everyone is One with God. That we should forgive our brothers and sisters because ultimately this world of ours is illusory and if we could only see with true vision that the person pissing us off right now is really the one true Christ Himself (because everything and everyone is really Christ) we wouldn't stay so pissed off for long. But! But! How hard it is to put this into practice! How hard it is to really believe and see with true vision! Forgiveness is really the key that unlocks our heart and takes us to the next step, yet are we willing to take that step? Unfortunately, it is all too easy to fall into a perverse enjoyment of our hatred or dislike which in turn leads us to forgetting our compassion; suddenly we feel justified in our anger or hatred, and that, in turn, only leads to further attachment to one's feelings and ego and sense of justification.

On the other hand, there is also the viewpoint that one should not repress one's feelings. There are certainly occasions when it is justified to be angry or upset, especially if some injustice is involved. So I'm certainly not advocating repression of feelings or denial. However, it is usually not constructive to allow one's feelings to be swept away and become obsessed with something. There has to be a sensible middle ground. One should be able to observe one's thoughts and reactions and be able to judge an appropriate response. If you can catch yourself quick enough in the irritation phase and cut it down before it gets out of hand, I think that would be a great victory.

Lately I have turned to Catholic saints and prayers to find a positive response to difficult people. I have found that, at a minimum, if I can catch myself when I start to feel anger or severe judgment against others and respond by mentally reciting the Jesus Prayer or a few Hail Marys that it can help diffuse my negative feelings. Whatever you can do to step back from your feelings and observe where they are going can be highly constructive. Repetitive prayers, mantras, or sacred words can help to take your mind off of problems.

Here are two prayers that I have found especially helpful in response to difficult people. The first one comes from Catholic Prayer Book by Father John A. Hardon, S.J.

Teach me, my Lord, to be kind and gentle in all the events of life; in disappointments, in the thoughtlessness of others, in the insincerity of those I trusted, in the unfaithfulness of those on whom I relied.

Let me put myself aside, to think of the happiness of others, to hide my pains and heartaches, so that I may be the only one to suffer from them.

Teach me to profit by the suffering that comes across my path.

Let me so use it that it may mellow me, not harden or embitter me; that it may make me patient, not irritable; that it may make me broad in my forgiveness, not narrow, proud and overbearing.

May no one be less good for having come within my influence. No one less pure, less true, less kind, less noble for having been a fellow traveler in our journey toward eternal life.

As I go my rounds from one task to another, let me say, from time to time, a word of love to You.

May my life be lived in the supernatural, full of power for good, and strong in its purpose of sanctity. Amen.

The next prayer is by Saint Maria Faustina, one of my favorite saints:

Prayer to be Merciful

Help me Jesus, that what I ask of You (Mercy) I will give to others in word and deed.

Help me, O Lord, that my eyes may be merciful, so that I may never suspect or judge others, but always look for what is beautiful and good in other people. Help me, that my ears may be merciful, so that I may give heed to others needs, and not be indifferent to their pain.

Help me, O Lord, that my tongue may be merciful, so that I should never speak wrongly of others, but have a word of comfort and forgiveness for all.

Help me, O Lord, that my hands may be merciful and filled with good deeds so that I may do only good to others and always try to take upon myself the more difficult tasks.

Help me, O Lord, that my feet may be merciful, so that I may hurry to assist others, overcoming my own fatigue and weariness, contemplating Your love and mercy.

Help me, O Lord, to forgive and forget. This is Your greatest gift to me, and should be mine for Your sake, to all who offend me.

To forgive and forget - So easy to say but hard to do.