Tavener Quote # 1

John Tavener (b. 1944), a British composer, is one of my favorite composers, ever. His music is deeply spiritual, metaphysical, and influenced by perennial philosophy and the Eastern Orthodox faith. His music, and the spiritual essence behind it, is a huge inspiration for me. I have dreamed of being a composer since about age 14, and when I discovered Tavener's music, many years later, I found someone who was following a path that I wanted to follow, but up until that time never knew that such a path was possible or that there were even words to describe it. Here's a quotation by Tavener, from his book, The Music of Silence - A Composer's Testament:

I think we have to go back. I think in the end intuition teaches us everything. Leave the universities of the world and go into the universities of the desert. So say the Fathers. I am, of course, talking about metaphysical intuition; the only way still unexplored by our modernist hell.

First of all, one has to say we know nothing, and from that abyss we must abandon all preconceived ideas, whether it be serialism, sonata form, development, fugue, canon, and so on, and get rid of it all, so that one has nothing left in one's mind to begin with. It feels like an abyss. This does, of course, presuppose that one believes in some kind of higher reality. But even if not, let the young composer try to forget everything he or she knows, just to see what happens. If it's just silence, then okay, it's just silence. If it's just one or two banal notes, okay, then it's just one or two banal notes. But I guarantee that if one continues with this, gradually a music starts to form inside one, and who knows, we might start to realize another kind of reality does after all exist.

Tavener's ideas, and profound music, mean so much to me. For years and years I had been concerned about "fitting in" and "following the rules" (i.e. going to a university, mastering Western theory, getting a degree in composition, becoming "legit" by Academia's standards). Yet, my gut feeling has always been telling me that there was something wrong with all of this. I was once nearly at the door of Academia, attempting to get inside; but still, something hard to define, disgusted me about it and I just felt I had to find my own way. I did not enter that door. And now, in many ways, I am so relieved.

More later...

A Powerful Formula for Living

I learned the following formula fairly recently from reading The Success Principles by Jack Canfield. On the face of it, this formula seems so simple and obvious. You would think that this is common sense and that the whole world must know about it and live it. But from what I've learned from experience, and even in my own life for many, many years, this formula really seems unknown to most people. I can think of lots of people who have gone through their entire lives never realizing something like this. Here is the formula:

E + R = O

(Event + Response = Outcome)

Event: This could be anything. From getting a paper cut on your pinkie finger, to getting cut off in traffic, to finding out that your best friend totally disagrees with you on a hot-button political issue, to getting fired from your job, to learning that you have cancer.

Response: Now here is the critical element. If any of the above events happened to you, how would you respond? Would you be angry? Furious? Mildly upset? Amused? Disbelieving?

Outcome: Your outcome all depends on your response. So say somebody got cut off in traffic. One person might be terribly pissed off, honk their horn, give the finger, escalate it into road rage, etc. Somebody else might be flustered for a second and then just let it go and forget about it. Or say somebody was told that they had cancer and only had a year to live. One person might be devastated and think God was against them, become enormously depressed, and die even sooner than one year. Another person might respond by going out and doing all those things they never did, and actually living more fully in that last year than in the previous ten years combined.

So the basic point is this: you have the power to choose your response. An event is just an event. An event just is, it just happens. You decide if it is a good or bad event, or something in between. You decide how you will respond emotionally. You decide what the event means to you; the event, in itself, has no inherent meaning until you ascribe one to it. You decide whether an event is hugely important or just a fleeting little insignificant trifle. But the trick is that each one of us can have a completely different response to an event. Something that sets you off to explode in rage, might for me just be a little nuisance, or not a big deal at all. We are all different. But the point is, that it is our response that is different, not the event.

A lot of people I know, instead of examining how they respond to an event, blame the event instead. For example, suppose you've planned to go out for a picnic for a very special occasion. It's been planned for weeks and weeks, you get all the food prepared and have your basket ready and your bottle of champagne. Lately the weather has been particularly gorgeous, too, so you're really looking forward to that special day. But then the day arrives and just as you get ready to go out the door to the park a huge storm cloud appears. The sky turns pitch black and the rain just pours and pours, along with thunder and lightning. The day is a total washout. So how would you respond?

Now, I'm not saying that you wouldn't have a right to be upset in such a situation. I'm not saying that the goal, necessarily, is to be always be ecstatically-giddy-happy-lovey-dovey about every single event that ever happens to you in your life. The important thing, rather, is to notice the intensity of your response to an event. The intensity could determine the level of suffering you bring upon yourself. Through mindful awareness of your response to an event, you can control what emotion you will feel as well as the intensity of it. Is a rained out picnic, as one example of an event, worth being horribly angry and devastated? Is it the event's fault that you're upset or could choose not to be upset? Could there be a better response? Could you find an alternative outcome to turn the day around into something positive instead of letting the unexpected event (the rain) ruin your whole day?

There is no right or wrong answer. The answer is what you decide works best for you. But once you realize that you have the power and you have control over how you respond to an event, then you also have the capability to limit or determine how much suffering you bring upon yourself (and, potentially, to others). You bring the suffering upon yourself or you do not. It is ultimately your choice.

Think of events that set you off. Could you choose a different response? If you don't like the outcomes that you are getting in your life, take a look at how you are responding and try something different.

Just something interesting to think about. I often wonder what kind of world we could create if we taught children this concept from day one.

St. George & Synchronicity

Years ago I purchased a poster of this painting by Kandinsky. At the time, I didn't know anything about the story of St. George or what it meant or why he was killing a dragon. It took me years to even make out the dragon's features from the rather abstract and forceful energy of the painting. I bought it only because I was drawn to the vivid colors and movement. I still have the poster to this day and it's hanging in a central place in my living room.

Recently I had a wonderful "ah ha" experience from a series of meaningful coincidences (i.e. synchronicity in action) regarding St. George.

While reading one of my favorite books in the whole world, Inner Christianity, by Richard Smoley (a book which really made a big impact on my decision to become Christian/Catholic), there is an excellent breakdown of the symbolism of St. George and the dragon. Here is what the imagery means:

• The dragon represents the "force of illusion" or the "downward pull of the earth" (notice the connection with the idea from A Course in Miracles and the Gnostic Hymn of the Pearl - the idea of the world as illusion; an illusion which obscures our sight of God and drags us down into the mire of materiality, ego, attachment, separation from God, etc).
• The rider represents "the guidance of consciousness" or the rational mind; as a knight "he represents the Christian wearing 'the whole armor of God' (Eph. 6:13)."
• The horse symbolizes the emotions, which can be somewhat unruly and energetic if left to their own devices.
• The spear which pierces the dragon (i.e. which pierces our perception of the illusory world) "may be equated with what The Cloud of Unknowing calls 'the dart of longing love' that pierces the illusion and enables the spirit to reach God." Perhaps our "longing love" is our love for God, the desire to return to God and leave behind the illusion which binds us and keeps us imprisoned.
  

So if we bring this all together, what we have is the idea that we must bring our rational mind (the rider) and emotional life (the horse) in balance, working together, and then through the action or realization of love by our longing for God (the spear) we can pierce the veil that is this world of illusion (the dragon) and reach enlightenment - the realization of God.

Wow! Isn't that cool?!

Notice, too, that you need to have both the rider and the horse together. You must have both the rational mind and the emotions to be a complete person. If one of them dominates you are not in control, but unbalanced.

And Smoley concludes by saying, "Thus this image is attempting in another way to tell us something about the proper relationship between the different and often conflicting parts of ourselves."

And I had this poster all these years and had no idea what it was about! And this sort of thing, this search for enlightenment or self-realization, is exactly what I've been interested in for years and years, maybe since I was 8, when my mom and her parents would sit around and talk about religions or Joseph Campbell.

Of course, back then I didn't know the words "self-realization" or what they meant, but I knew there had to be much more to life than going to school, going to work, competing for success, driving a car, accumulating "stuff", and all that other garbage we're fed about being "productive members of society" (i.e. conforming ourselves into our little boxes as "consumers" in America). I always just knew that life couldn't just be an abominable waste of time for nothing, for consumption, for an endless search for happiness in material things, with suffering on top when you and all your loved ones die in the end. So what would be the point of all that?

But anyway, I digress. Back to the synchronicities:

Synchronicity # 1: I had always been drawn to the purpose of what the painting or story of St. George and the dragon represents.

Synchronicity # 2: my husband's name is George.

Then several weeks ago (after a very gradual, years-in-the-making attraction to Christianity), I decided I would become Catholic. I knew that since I had at least been baptized I already had one foot in the door. I asked my dad for the name of the church in which I was baptized, and yes, guess what:

Synchronicity # 3: the church in which I was baptized is called "St. George's Episcopal Church"!

I take this as a sign that St. George ought to be one of my favorite Saints! How many more hints do I need?

Suffering: finding a positive response

This has been a year of trials for me. A kidney stone surgery in April, and as of October 13th, severe, crippling lower back pain. Never before in my life have I had to deal with so much physical suffering. Initially, when I went to the hospital for the kidney surgery, I thought I knew how to handle it. My ego was saying, “Hey! No big deal! Let’s go for it. Piece of cake. I’ve figured out life and will prove how strong I am.” I went in with a positive (yet, in retrospect, probably too arrogant) attitude. But things did not turn out as simple as I had expected. It was not at all easy and there were many unfortunate surprises, complications, and five days in the hospital. My positive attitude soon evaporated, leaving me in a blank state of shock. It took me many weeks, even months, to comprehend what I went through and how to process or internalize that experience to make sense of it. In recent years I had learned how to cultivate a positive mental attitude and heal myself from years of childhood depression and mental/emotional suffering, but physical suffering was entirely new territory for me. I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know how to respond to it or what to think. I was like a baby starting from scratch in a new world.

Now here I am again going through another physical trial. This time with a pain that is almost constant, and debilitating enough to make it hard to walk, stand up, or get out of bed. Again, my initial reaction was shock. “Why is this happening to me? Why now, so soon after the previous trauma? What if I never recover? What if I become paralyzed and ruin my husband’s life? What stupid thing did I do to myself to cause this?” Fears and anxieties and anger swirled in my head for many days. I still had not learned any lessons about pain and what to do with it. I knew there must be some better response than to feel sorry for myself. Recently I had made the decision to follow my husband and mother and convert to Catholicism. I knew the Saints and other Church writers had a lot to say about suffering, so I searched for answers, for a way to respond to my pain in a positive, meaningful way. Over the years I had also studied Buddhism, with its notions of non-attachment and non-judgmental observation of the body. I had also studied many different writers on self-improvement, spirituality and meditation. I slowly came up with a list of intentions, like an action plan for transforming my ideas about pain and suffering. Here is a list of what I have learned:

• I am not my body. My identity is on the inside, in my spirit, rather than in the physical sensations of my body. I will not allow my body to dictate my emotional state, whether for good or bad. The body is a vessel, a vehicle. It is not the real me.

• “Resistance is the cause of suffering.” This is a good one from Bill Harris, creator of Holosync, a meditation program. The idea is that the more I resist my pain by fighting against it or arguing that it’s not fair or that it shouldn’t be there, only results in creating more and more suffering. It sounds pretty Buddhist – so instead of fighting against the idea that the pain is there, I will just observe it without judgment or emotion. Pain is like an unwelcome guest. It’s just there and for the time being there’s not much I can do about it to get rid of it. Of course I am working to find a solution and heal my body, but until then I will let go of my resistance of the pain’s reality.

• From a Catholic standpoint, I offer my pain to others with love. Any time I feel the pain start to appear I think of it as a beautiful shining bell, ringing in a clear high voice, reminding me to give my pain away as a prayer. In this way, the pain is not about me, it’s about what I can give to others. I can take my pain and create a positive energy that I can send out into the world or to someone who needs more help than I do.

• Cultivating gratitude. This was already something I had started doing a couple of years ago. Keeping a journal and remembering each day all that I have to be thankful for is a powerful way to keep a positive perspective. I have realized how many blessings I have in my life. Whatever pain I may go through does not diminish all that I am grateful for.
  

• Everything happens for a reason. For many years I scoffed at this idea and would not believe it (in fact, I was basically an atheist for at least 20+ years). Yet, at some point in the past five years or so I decided to change my thinking. Why not believe this? Why not see that there is an underlying reason to our existence and a reason for every event that happens in our lives? I think life becomes much more beautiful and grand if we can find a meaning and a higher purpose to it. In my current situation, I believe I am going through these trials to learn about pain and how to respond to it in a constructive way. I obviously did not know anything about it before, and now is my time to learn. And more importantly, it is to learn that pain is not necessarily evil. This is not my time to feel sorry for myself. I can transform this experience to make myself a better person. I can now empathize and understand something more of the suffering of others. Cultivating compassion – for every thing and every one – maybe that is what our lives really come down to.

Life is what you choose to see

Welcome to my blog. This space will become a little expression of my consciousness, a collection of fragments from my inner world and what I perceive of life, love, and the layers of reality.

Too much of what we find in our present world and modern society is a junk yard of materialism, endless unsustainable consumption, selfishness, and superficiality, all of which are symptoms of a massive unhappiness and emptiness in the collective soul of humanity. Humanity is at war with itself because there is not enough looking inwards. We tear each other and the planet apart, looking for happiness or some purpose for being alive, when the only answer can be found inside the spirit.

My purpose for this blog is to intentionally seek out the goodness and beauty of existence. Everything we need to be happy can be found within ourselves, in our heart or in our spirit. What is needed is an intense focus, a heightened awareness to be open to those deeper levels of existence and feeling. I’m talking about really living life to fullest, really feeling that you are alive, that the entire world is alive, the whole universe, every stone, tree, bird, human being, and even the infinite grains of sand upon the earth, all is alive and one and beautiful and you and I are one with it.

Coming to this realization is what I would call “Awakening to Numinous Joy”. And this search is what this blog will be about. I invite you to search with me and see for yourself. Stop the ceaseless running and look inside yourself. All that you need for peace and happiness is in your own soul. And maybe one day, if each one of us can bring forward that inner joy that we all carry in our souls (even if we don’t know it or believe it) and give it out into the world through compassion, we will find that the Kingdom of Heaven will become both an inner and outer reality.