Gratitude & Surrender

I am again amazed at life. A month ago was another trial of pain, infirmity, and uncertainty. Even after the facet block procedure, I was not sure I would ever feel normal again or stand up straight. Things like going bowling or learning how to dance seemed like pretty unrealistic activities for the foreseeable future. But now, after ten consecutive days of consistent, intensive exercise, I almost feel as good as new, maybe even stronger than before. It is miraculous that one day you can wake up and barely move or walk without pain, and on another day feel like nothing happened, as if the past few months were just a bad dream or a little annoyance. The pain is almost 100% gone, and the stiff muscles have almost entirely disappeared as well. I have gone from feeling bent and broken, to feeling fluid motion and strength and vibrancy. So strange! And I'm not complaining, of course! Just very amazed at how quickly things can change! I am very grateful!

What am I to make of this overall experience? Certainly I do not want to take good health for granted. There is no guarantee that I shall not have relapses in the future. And on the other hand, I don't want to forget what I went through either. I believe there was real value in the entire experience. It was a doorway to different states of being and perceiving. It has forced me to take better care of my physical health (not that I really neglected it; I just hadn't paid much attention to my body or made consistent effort to exercise regularly), and even to realize there is a spiritual dimension to one's body. There are the so-called divisions of body, mind, and spirit, but I am starting to realize more and more that these three realities co-exist integrally, in an inter-dependent way. The body is not just an organism or collection of biological systems, separate from mind and spirit; it is, instead, the intersection or crossroads of the mind and spirit united together. The body is the material, visible manifestation of mind and spirit. Outward and inner work together.

The mind is really the most powerful tool we have in this life. I truly believe that if I had had a very different attitude about my experiences with back pain (such as anger, or a sense of powerless victimhood), I would still be struggling to walk to work every morning, or jumping out of my skin every time I coughed. I think we, as a society, really underestimate the power of our minds to create (or destroy) our health. The power of our minds must also extend into everything else, our perceptions of reality, our perceptions of each other, other cultures, other nations, other religions, and globally, towards the environment and the planet.

Lately I have also grown to appreciate the spiritual notion of surrender. By spiritual, I am referring to the positive sense of the term. I think there is some confusion that leads most people to assume that it ONLY means to give up, or accept things as they are (and usually counter to one's desires), to stop trying to make things different; it usually has a defeatist connotation, which I believe is missing the point of the deeper meaning.

Surrendering can be practiced in different ways, outwardly versus inwardly. To me, "to surrender" can refer to one's mental and spiritual attitude, as an inner state, separate from one's outward behavior or external actions. In the positive sense, I can surrender my attachment to a certain outcome, rather than getting upset that life isn't going the way I want it to. I can surrender my definitions of what is "right" and what is "wrong", and rest in the acceptance of the present moment; I can just allow everything to be as it is, observing it, witnessing it, without needing to attach labels or judgments on experiences, people, or events.

In the case of my back pain, I really tried hard to stop wanting or wishing for any different outcome other than what I was experiencing in the moment. Now, this does NOT mean that I also stopped trying to change the situation outwardly. Outwardly I still went to the doctor, the physical therapist, and added more exercise, healthier foods, and so on. Outwardly, I made every possible effort to remedy the situation. Yet, inwardly, I surrendered my desires and attachments to specific outcomes. I rested my mind and heart and energy. I rested in the mystery of life and God. Since I didn't really know what was going to happen, one way or the other, I found it much easier, inwardly, to rest in a state of not knowing, not attaching and not desiring. It's like the weather - you could be caught out in a sudden torrential rainstorm - does it change anything to curse the rain, or wish for it to stop? The rain just is, it exists, it's happening in this present moment. It is neither good or bad, unless we attach a label to it. Inwardly, to surrender to the rain is to accept the fact that it is raining and just let it be itself; yet outwardly one can calmly and peacefully grab an umbrella or step into a building. We can do what we need to do without the mental agonizing of unfulfilled wishes. A clear, uncluttered mental and spiritual attitude can make it easier for our actions and behaviors to flow naturally and seamlessly. Life is only difficult when we add our mental baggage into the mix.

Hodge Podge of an Update

All sorts of things going on with me lately. Here is a breakdown of various things:

• My back pain has improved considerably. The facet block procedure worked to a large extent, erasing the pain from my lower back. Still some minor aches and constricted muscles, but at least it is manageable to live with. I'm continuing to do exercises recommended by my physical therapist, plus I have added 10 minutes of exercise bike daily.
  
• For the last couple of weeks my husband and I have been steeping ourselves in the Integral Approach of Ken Wilber. I got a bunch of his books, joined Integral Naked and Integral Spiritual Center, plus started listening to 12 hours of an interview with Wilber on audio CDs. We can hardly wait each evening to sit down and listen to the next installment! Integral theory is so fantastic! I really think it is the new frontier for making sense of ourselves and of humanity. It provides a multi-dimensional map for charting growth, development and evolution from an individual, societal, and global perspective. It is really amazing. I will write more on integral in future posts. Check out this Wiki page on Ken Wilber. For beginners, read A Brief History of Everything.
  
• Speaking of integral, we're continuing to use our Integral Life Practice kit, renewing commitments to exercise, meditate, and eat healthier. Despite the day job, I am using Holosync much more consistently. There really is increased mental clarity and focus from regular listening to Holosync.
  
• I've been composing more music lately, as well as cultivating a more intuitive, spiritual approach to composition. More on that later.
  
• Wednesday is already the start of Lent. I'm still trying to figure out what extra spiritual practices I want to add into my life. I'm exciting to participate more fully this year.
  
• Books I've been reading lately:
  - a translation of Meister Eckhart by Matthew Fox
  - Integral Spirituality by Ken Wilber
  - Swami Nijananda's commentary on Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence

More later on the Integral Approach!